coffee shop post

Here I sit once more at Tenn Street Coffee. Though today I am drinking White Peony Tea rather than my usual. It's pretty good, little too "grass-like" for my taste, but good overall. Ipod is rocking, laptop is a-typing and brain is wandering.

I'm watching the UPS truck tyr to back up through the foot of snow that is on the ground. Yes that's right, Denver is currently in what the media has been calling "Round 2" It's nice though. This go round is more relaxed. Last time we had over 2 feet of snow literally dumped on the city within 24 hours. It's still snowing right now, but it's a little bit more of a peaceful downfall. I'll take some more pictures and maybe post them. It's pretty.

So with coffee(tea), my music, my laptop, and my brain, I'm now in the mood to both look back and forward. I think the past four years, by the time New Years rolls around, I start getting excited about going back to school. this year not so much. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the fact that there is still a threat that the school will bulldoze our house. Maybe it's the fact that my fall semester ended on not so great of a note with a teacher and I don't want to go back to that. Maybe it's because I'm loving the place where I work and It's hard for me to pull myself away from the amazing people and company. Maybe it's the fact that this is my last semester of college and since I know I'm moving out of the country in July, I just want to spend time with my family. Maybe it's all of this.

I do want to spend time with my friends though and everyone I love in Anderson. I think I have a love/hate relationship with Anderson. The things I love...I love soooo much, my friends, Most of my professors, the opportunities I've had musically and otherwise have been good. But the thing I don't like are enough to keep me away. It's kind of weird. Of course there will be good and bad wherever I am, likes and dislikes, but Anderson just feels different. Maybe it's just because I know that I'm not going to be there for more than 5 months. If you know that you're going to be leaving something soon, you feel differently about it.

So many changes are happening all around me. Friends are getting married, couples are expecting babies, people are gaining opportunities all over the place, and I am going to live in Peru.

So many changes. But that's good.

Denver's Hip Hangout of the Day!

Blah Blah Blah, Gillian Loves Denver, everyone knows this. BUT bear with me, because as most of you know I really love finding little unique things about my city, and today My mom and I went to two of what will quickly become my favorite places in North Denver

The first is The Oriental Theater. It was this theater built in 1927 in Denver that used to be the hip spot to see a movie. Long story short, it went through alot of rough times, closed as a theater but was reopened as a concert venue recently. It's very awesome inside with lots of Mediterranean details. AND On top of that, MELTZ is located inside and serves food during concerts. Meltz is a gourmet grilled cheese restaurant. A what? A gourmet grilled cheese restaurant. They have some pretty awesome things there. You can make your own grilled cheese and choose from all these different types of cheeses and breads and what not, or choose something from their menu. My mom and I split a PBA & B (Peanut Butter, Apple, and Brie Sandwich) It was pretty amazing. It was perhaps the most unique restaurant I've been to. But it was good! And good prices too. So if you ever find yourself in Denver...Call me! And we'll go out for some trendy grilled cheese sandwiches and maybe catch a concert afterwards.






Secondly, We also all know how addicted to coffee I am, so anytime I can find a good new coffee shop, I get excited. So today, after my mom and I split our PBA & B, we found Tenn Street Coffee, a coffee shop/bookstore Here's what's nice about Tenn Street

1) They serve Daz Bog Coffee which is by far my favorite coffee roasting company, and they are (naturally) based out of Denver, though obviously a Russian roasting company. They're amazingAMAZING.
2) They have books. Lots of books. Half the store is dedicated to the Library. Most of the books are used so you can come in and make a trade or buy a used book for about half the cost.
3) As with any good coffee shop, Wi-fi is a must so that I can enjoy my coffee and relax. And rather than just having free wi-fi, they also have computer work stations, so if you don't have a laptop, you can hop on one of their computers for free. I think that's very nice of them.




So that's about it. Those were my two awesome Denver finds of the day. Dare I say it once more? Ok, I will. I love my city!

Snow, snow, snow

Well the blizzard of 2006, as it was quickly titled is over. The roads are.....clearing. Decently safe to drive on if you know what you're doing, and of course, there is the small population of out-of-staters and others that do not know how to safely drive in the snow, but like to pretend that safety is no concern in their expensive car. Most of us Coloradans refer to them as "Those idiots in their big dumb SUVs"

Other than that, I had a wonderful time in the snow, as seen in this picture. This is me, having just fallen backwards into 3 feet of champagne powder snow in the middle of my street. With the blizzard, nobody went anywhere, making it perfectly acceptable to play in the middle of the street. I love the snow. I love everything about it. Watching it fall to the ground is so peaceful and once it blankets the city, you just automatically feel good inside. Sure it's cold, but it's refreshing. And even though sometimes getting stuck isn't the greatest, I am a firm believer that during blizzards, people unite and good things happen. I know I probably sound like I believe that man is inherently good (I can't remember which -ism that is), but I promise you, when there anytime there is a big blizzard in Colorado, good works can be found all over the place. Alot of times, it's small things, like helping each other dig someone's car out of a 6 foot snow drift, or helping travelers who are stranded, but it's times like these that just make me happy. People are nicer to each other, maybe because we're all in the same snowy boat, but whatever it is, It's a breath of fresh air. It's interesting to me that people seem to come together the easiest when everyone realizes that they are not in control, I think that's where people's attitudes are different. Once people get over themselves and see that other people need help, people step up. It's nice. Sometimes I wish it would happen more often =)

Merry Christmas Everyone!!! I hope that your holiday is joyful!

I need a riveting title...how will this ever win a grammy for soundtrack of the year???

This little diddy is nothing new. BUT I haven't ever done it, so with thanks to Marie, as well as a few other blogs that I've seen. I now present you with the soundtrack to my life straight from my ipod. The smartmouth comments will however be from me.

SO IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

1. Opening Credits: "You've made me so Very Happy" Blood, Sweat and Tears

2.Waking Up: "Part of Your World" Ariel from the Little Mermaid

3.First Day of School: "Pinball Wizard" The Who

4. Falling in Love: "In the Mood" Glenn Miller

5. Fight Song: "Communication Breakdown" Led Zeppelin

6. Breaking Up: "Love in War" Outkast

7. Prom: "She's a Rainbow" The Rolling Stones

8. Life: "Kung Fu Fighting" Carl Douglas

9. Mental Breakdown: "Under Pressure" -Queen

10. Driving: " Mendelssohn Octet- mvt. 1"

11. Flashback: "Wishing you were somehow here again" Emmy Rossum, from The Phantom of the Opera

12. Getting Back Together: "Keep on the Sunny Side" The Whites from O Brother Where art Thou?

13. Wedding: "Storm Coming" Gnarls Barkley

14. Birth of a Child: "It's a Boy" The Who I'm not even lying about this one.

15. Final Battle: "Hips don't lie" Shakira featuring Wyclef

16. Death Scene: "Weary Blues" Madeline Peyroux

17. Funeral Song: "Somebody Stole my Gal" Fats Waller

20. End Credits: "When the Music's Over" -The Doors



Ok so based on some facts, here's what I've deducted about what the move of my life will be like: First, This is most likely a film given from the perspective of anybody who has ever met me- See Number 1 :) This also is a heartwarming animated film (See 2) about my struggles through a very rigorous pinball school (See 3) or maybe I just ripped off Tommy. Based on Number 4, this movie will probably be rated PG13. 5 and 6 don't need any explanation, but 7 gives me the idea, this movie will be set in the 60s. While 8 leads me to believe that I am an excellent Kung Fu Master. Sweeet. 9-13, enough said, but ok guys, I'm pretty 14 just rings loudly with me and echos my view of marriage (Disclaimer, I'm not against marriage, but I don't know if it is right for me). Ok moving on, 14 was an awesome coincidence and I'd like to point out that this would not be the birth of my child. Good Lord, I'm still in pinball school. And 15 has got to be my favorite song. Apparently this fight scene is actually a dance off.

It's cinematic gold. Who wouldn't pay to see this movie? I will be taking suggestions for titles by the way.

You wish you had this drive...

I realize that just about every fourth word out of my mouth usually has something to do with how much I love Colorado and why I think my state is the greatest. Well, another tidbit about why I think Colorado is the best is coming your way right now.

This is just a little part of what I see everyday on my way to work. Commutes supposedly suck, but mine really isnt bad, 20 minutes of semi-congested traffic and an amazing view. I would be ridiculous to ask for more.

So there's the "My state is awesome" fact of the day. This picture isn't even the full extent of it, but you know. a little glimpse is nice.

Other than that, things are going just swimmingly! I've been back at work for one week and it's been fabulous. I got right back into the game the first day and I still love working there. The people are incredible, I love the company, and everyone is just so encouraging to me! It's been a true privilege to work for Kathey Pear and Citron WorkSpaces, and who knows, maybe after I get back from Peru, there will be a spot for me! It's been a blessing without a doubt. God has led me to the most incredible places, and by led I truly mean, I did just about no work to get there. I have been blessed in all aspects of my life, incredible opportunities have literally been dropped in my lap, and all I can do is thank God. Even though I don't always realize it or show it, one thing that I have been learning throughout my life is just how small I really am, yet how big God is to take care of me, a poor miserable sinner. I will never understand God's infinite grace and love, but it's incredible to know that it is there, and that his mercies are fresh everday.

Homeward bound....I wish I were, Hooomeward bound

Simon and Garfunkel have nothing on me. I am now in Topeka Kansas where I am stationed for the evening. Typing happily on the Holiday Inn Express computer that is in the "business center" The business center coincidentally enough is a room with a table and four chairs and one desktop computer in the corner. Clearly, I have splurged on my hotel stay.

But hey, as long as this computer is working, I am a happy camper. I am about 8 hours from home where I will spending my Christmas vacation working full time at Citron WorkSpaces a dealership/design firm that specializes in offices and commercial spaces. I love it. I love the people, I love the company, I love the work, and I especially love feeling like I have accomplished something with my past four years of schooling. If I were not moving to Peru, I probably would be applying for a real job there. And this of course is a lead- in for my topic du jour:

So...while on the open road, traveling through Kansas or missouri or wherever the heck I was, I was thinking about my past four years at Anderson, and more specifically my decision for my interior design major and music minor. I've gotten feedback from people about these two areas of study (feedback which was not asked for by the way) and usually the people that give me the feedback are the people that are bothered by the fact that I study two seemingly contradicting things. Now, I thought long and hard about some of the criticisms that I've had for having a minor- mainly the "concern" that I would be a better interior designer if I would quit music and focus only on interior design and that music inhibits me from doing well in design. And this is what bothers me the most- I am bothered by the assumption that because I have two passions, one or both are suffering and that I need to only choose one.

To this I say "You're silly."

And here's why-
I truly feel that God called me to Anderson, SC to study interior design as my major and I actually did not even go into college with the intent to get a music minor, but only to play in the orchestra and sing in the choir. As it worked out, I had incredible music opportunities while at Anderson, opportunities that I might not have had anywhere else, and I also feel that I was led to capitalize on these and advance musically. I have never regretted only minoring in music. Music is a passion, but it is not a career calling. Design is. Now, the false stigma is still there that I am injuring my career in design by not giving all my attention to it. I 100% believe that this is completely false. I have given 100% of my attention to design overall and though of course not everday was an overwhelming success, I can still remain dedicated. I know that Ive made mistakes and that I've learned a lot through trial and error, but it is beyond my comprehension why people would discourage me from advancing musically as well as artistically. I have two passions, and I dedicate myself to both. Neither is suffering. I know that not everyone will understand it, but I know that it is possible. Case in Point- My mom. She is about to graduate with her Doctorate of Nursing next week. Doctorate. And she has been playing the piano and organ amazingly for various churches since she was a teenager. She's the best singer I know, I am constantly amazed by her piano and organ talents. She plays for two churches right now while balancing a home, and a very advanced career- she's won many awards also for nursing, including a Nightingale award, which is a huge deal.

I see her and her passion for both and I get all the more motivated to prove I can do it, or realize that so far I have done it. The fact that I have two passions is not a hindrance, it is a chance for me to work harder than others to improve both. I don't want to sound like I'm better than anyone else, or that I think more highly of myself because I enjoy two different things, but God has given me talents in different areas, and I feel like I would be untrue to myself and more importantly, untrue to God if I were to quit either.

Ok...well, um I think I'm going to step down from my soap box now. I just had to get that out of me, it's been on my mind for a few days and the open road only gave me time to mull over it. =)

On a much less serious/frustrated note, I did pass a street called Buttrub That's right...butt-rub. Back to you, Silly Gilly.

Go West, young Gillian.

Oh my. back to school already.

Not too bad, I mean, how much damage can one school week do? hopefully i will not be eating those words later. This actually probably will be a very good week and a half. Here's what my schedule is looking like.

Wednesday- Class and then one more class
Thursday- No class, work the afternoon
Friday- Class, then cello lesson
Friday and Saturday nights- various and sundry Christmas pageants
Sunday- Church
Monday- Nothing
Tuesday-Nothing
Wednesday- One and only final exam
Thursday-Nothing

Clearly, Im swamped. :)

Anyway, other than the pressures of my strenous schedule, things here are pretty good. It's just that last 2 week rut for me, when I just think, man, I really don't want to pack. So I put it off until the day before I leave for home. Oh yeah, I'm driving back to Colorado by myself again. Whee! Feel free to call and distract me from the natural wonders of places like "Paducah, Kentucky; Boonville, Missouri; Junction City, Kansas; and any other thriving metropolis that you can name along Interstate 70 headed West. 3 days of jam packed craziness is what I like to think of the drive. I know it's not true, but sometimes I can trick myself into thinking it's exciting. Anyway, this will be the last time that I make that trek home for Christmas. I think I'm supposed to feel sad at this point, but I think I'm kind of indifferent. Is that bad? It's not that I hate anderson or regret the last four years, but I think I've gotten used to looking forward to the next step in life...which coincidentally enough is another Continent South of here. I bet the blog that I type one year from now will be a lot different. =)

I need an outlet- this isn't a happy post.

This was the first Thankgiving without him.

Words of course cannot say how much I miss him. It's been about 4 months since my grandpa died and although the grief doesn't necessarily affect me daily anymore, I still miss him so much. I always will. Overall Thanksgiving was good, but of course- different. There was a big part missing. and even though my family shared many genuine laughs and smiles, I think in our hearts, we all knew who everyone was thinking about. If I didn't carry the promise that this life is not the end, I don't know what I would do. I'll never understand why God blessed me so much with my family, but I will eternally be thankful for all of them, especially my grandparents for raising me in the promises of Christ. My grandmother has had alzheimer's for the past 7 years, going on 8, and I can't say that she's doing well. She misses him probably more than any of us. He loved and took care of her so much, he spent every last ounce of his energy providing for her and making sure that she was well taken care of. We went to his gravesite today after church. Today was the first time that I had been to the church where his funeral was since the actual funeral. It was weird being there. My grandma started crying during the service. She misses him so much. Afterwards, we went to the gravesite. Today was the first time I'd been there since his burial. My mom told me my grandma breaks down every time she goes there. She gets down on the grass and cries and kisses his headstone. She misses him more than anyone. And the hardest part is not that he' s gone, because even though my selfishness wants him here to help me, he is resting. And I know in the deep of my heart that it's better that way, no matter what my emotions say to me here on earth. but the hardest part is watching my grandmother. she's deteriorated so much and It's so hard to watch her struggle with the alzheimers. she's so confused and hard for her when she doesn't understand things and doesn't know how to express her frustration. It's hard on my family trying to take care of her, and not always understanding her. And it's especially hard knowing that her end is probably coming soon. She's moving into a nursing home soon I think, and it's going to be hard taking her from the home that she's been in for the past 50 years to some place where our family can't be with her 24/7, but we can't watch her 24/7. it's too much, and it's wearing everyone down. And it's hard for me to not be here to help when I hear how the rest of my family needs help. I want to be here, and even though I would leave school in a heartbeat to help if I knew that I needed to, I know that is not what God wants me to do right now. and it's hard to understand that sometimes. I don't know what else to call it besides hard. I hate talking about it. Normally, I would probably just delete this post before I let it publish, because I hate people knowing. Not that I don't want people to pray for my family, or because I think I can handle it myself, but because I know that it's too much for me to have people asking me about it. When people ask how my family is doing, I cannot honestly answer that everything's fine or that things are stable. It's not. but people dont always understand the situation, so I have to explain it, and if I start talking about it, I'll break down everytime, so it's easier for me to avoid the question all together. I know people say I you can't keep things bottled up, but if I don't put some sort of a stopper there, nothing is going to be held back. so please, let me deal with this with my family, they know and understand and all of us are a sort of silent companion for each other I think. We all are carrying the same emotions, and because my grandpa built such strong family ties, we can stick together through this. I'm never more comfortable than when my family is together. And whether it be eating a feast, sharing memories, sharing grief, or just being together, we all have had the same values instilled into us by Gilbert and Jeanne Cordova. I can think of no two better people on earth.

I don't do that sort of thing.

so....it's always hard to know where to begin when you haven't written in awhile. Do I fill in every last detail about the past [enter said time since last post]? or do I keep it brief and light and not really say anything at all? Well I have never really been a fan of opening your mouth without having something to say, so I might just have to dig a little bit deep and try to come up with something somewhat worthwhile.


Knock Knock....

I'm just kidding.

So here I am, one week away from being home and my sight is so focused on that plane trip right now it's not even funny. Unfortunately, this little thing called life likes to get its kicks and giggles by trying to kill me before I can go home. Man, I have so much stuff to do before Tuesday, so of course, the first thing I do is turn to the computer to check facebook, myspace, and write more on my blog. Good Call Gillian.

Well anyway, that's what's new on the old school front. Other than that, I realized today that I have 6 weddings to go to within the next 7 months. holy moly. First of all, apparently I missed the "2006 Engagement Fest" promotional flyer. Second, I have never been in a wedding before and now I'm in 3 of them; Third, see number 1 again. I'm glad I'm not getting married anytime soon...or ever if I can help it. I don't see myself as the type. You can ask me about that later if you want.

Well, 3 bridesmaids dresses will end up costing a pretty penny I think. Yikes. So there you have it, call me cynical call me bitter that's fine, but don't call me Shirley.

It really is ridiculous...

I just got invited to join a facebook group called "People laugh at My laugh"

I never realized that my laugh was ridiculous until other people started pointing it out. Just goes to show that your perception of yourself rarely matches other's perception of you.

Thought for the Day!

I still got it in me...

I turned in my Senior City Club Design project today. After many many long hours and late nights, and missed hours of sleep, I turned it in today. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, but I'm done and I'm happy with the work I did and I'm one step closer to finishing my long 4 years of that favorite pastime called college. So I'm not really going to write much today, I just wanted to give myself an electronic pat on the back and let everyone know that in 6 weeks, I am done with my design classes and on my way to earning that degree and then going down to Peru. What in the world? This life is crazy.

Coffee shop + Headphones + Laptop = New blog entry post

Perhaps I fit the stereotype of a college student too much, but I really love spending alot of time in coffee shops with my music playing and my big books scattered in front of me along with the laptop where I "pen" my deep and intellectual thoughts that are spilling over in my mind.

Well, I don't know about that exactly, I think I break the stereotype with the way that I go about my coffee shop time. Especially about last part, my thoughts are not usually worth spilling out to anyone, but I do like to write sometimes. And I'm not playing acoustic indie music, right now I'm listening to classical music, and will probably be following that with some disney music, or some british underground rap (it's true). And the books I have scattered in front of me is one book that I'm skimming at best. Oh well, at first glance you would probably think I'm a trendy, intelligent college student that has something philosophical to mull over.

I'm not sure I was going anywhere with this post today. I feel like alot of my posts this year are going to end up being very retrospective because of the nature of senior year, and I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible. I mean the last 4 years have been great, and it's probably good to look back on what type of person I am and how far I've come yadda yadda yadda, but you can only do that a few times before you're just too darn schmaltzy. Who even likes that? That's right no one.

That and my space bar key isn't working very well, so it takes me double the amount of time to type things because I have to lambaste the space bar until it works. It's very convenient.

Oh Dionne...

So, let's start from the beginning. Every year Anderson, SC has a giant fireworks celebration over labor day weekend on that Sunday and the Anderson professional orchestra plays during the fireworks and sometimes they'll even have a B or C list singer come and join in for the festivities. Well this year, the symphony (which I played for this year by the way) had the most awesome opportunity of playing with the illustrious Ms. Dionne Warwick. At this point in the story I usually get one of two questions- the first- Really? Dionne Warwick??? The other- "Who's that?" Well for those of you prone to the second question, most of my contemporaries know her best for "I say a little prayer for you" which was made oh so popular in the movie My Best Friend's wedding, she's also Whitney Houston's Aunt and was the late night singing host for the Psychic Friend's Network. So she has quite the past.

Anyway, Ms. Warwick came to little ol' Anderson, South Carolina to sing at the Celebrate Anderson Bash and oh....my.......word. She is nuts.

I had never met a celebrity before, and even though she yelled at people...a lot, I have to be honest. I am fascinated with her now, because she's so crazy. She is truly a Diva in all sense of the word. I wish I had the time to write about all the funny things that happened, but number one, I've told most everyone I know already, and number two- there's alot, so unfortunately if you want the full effect, you will have to contact me because my friends, it is most certainly a treat.

Anyway, I do have time for one "Dionne Warwick is Crazy" story. So she comes out in some long flowy attire to sing her signature song "That's What Friends are For" and while she begins to sing, one of the fans down in the front row takes out his video camera. (quick interjection- Dionne Warwick Fans are a little loopy too) So she's singing and then she sees this guy and it is like Jekyll and Hide. It's funnier if you hear me say it, but we'll try our best to get by. It went something like this

Dionne- (singing and swaying to her own music)
Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me...for sure...That's what friends are for
For Good times *turnthatcameraoff right now
For Bad Times *Isaidshutitoff
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

No joke. In the middle of this concert, in the middle of her song no less she quickly scolds this man for having a camera. It was HILARIOUS. I have so many stories now. It was a wonderful first celebrity encounter. I'm personally really glad it happened, just because it was so funny. You can't buy that sort of stuff just anywhere.

Don't quit your day job.

This has been one of those days. One of those days when I get pensive and then frustrated with the fact that I am not a songwriter or poet or painter or genius of any sort. This has been one of those days when I get the great urge inside of me to create something, but then feel overwhelmed with my limitations.

I feel the need to sit and just write and write words that are meaningful and full of depth and beauty, and then I realize that I'm not a writer.

I feel the need to sit down with a guitar, or at the piano, or with my cello and write a memorable sonata or melody that calms the soul, and then I realize that I don't play the guitar, I don't have a piano to play, nor am I musically proficient enough to compose.

I feel the need to grab my paintbrushes and materials and create a landscape or pastoral scene or moving abstract on a blank canvas, and then I realize that I'm not a painter.

I won't even touch on what sort of genius I'm not. I think that one's obvious.

Anyway, this mood strikes me every once in a while. The mood that I must somehow pour out some of this need to present myself in an artistic way, and then the realization that whatever I pour out will not be backed by the fundamental skills necessary to satisfy a standard of artistic expression. Is that my own criticism of myself coming through, or an inferiority complex of what society might deem artful expression? Now, whether or not society views something as artistic expression is moot. Artistic Expression, as far as I'm concerned anyway, needs only to meet the standards of the expresser, as it is something that is created by an individual for the benefit of the individual. So...why do I get frustrated with myself for not "being able" to express myself?

No, that's not a rhetorical question. I really don't know so I would appreciate any insight.

Well anyway, that was my feeble attempt at something that feels somewhat philosophical, but probably isn't in the slightest. I probably shouldn't quit my day job.

Anyway, on the fluffier side of life, school has been great! Except for that oh so lovable interior design professor, everything in my life has been smooth sailing. I love my housemates, and I haven't been struck with the panic of many a Senior trying to figure out what the "h" I will be doing with my life after graduation. If there is one thing that I have learned in my life that God really beat into me is the fact that the unknown is nothing to fear. I don't know what I will be doing a year from now. I have absolutely no idea where I'll be living, who I will be friends with, if I'll be making any sort of money (that's normally the scary one) or any of that stuff. But! The good news is that I don't have to worry about that, because I enjoy watching God unfold his will for me. I used to spend so much time worrying about the next day and the next week and month that I barely had time to stop and see the everyday workings of God in my life. Which is the best part. That's the part that I've come to love, the everyday.

Don't think I'm perfect. Not that you do, but that's me telling myself that. I stumble and worry and at the first sign of trouble (especially financial) I start shaking in my boots and try to figure out things for myself, which usually turns out poorly. But God is still working and that's the promise that allows me to breathe a little bit and rest in the comfort of His word.

So for me, the old "What are you going to do after you graduate?" -the most infamous and perhaps most dreaded question of college Seniors no longer holds the same weight as it once did. What am I doing? We'll see. Right now, I think I'm moving to Peru for a year after I graduate and then eventually getting back around to interior design in Denver. But I wouldn't go to the bank on that. =)

God's Blessings!
"Many are the Plans in a Man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19:21

What else do I need?

Back at School, back to the daily higher educational grind. It's been a great year so far, and I have every reason to believe that this year will be an amazing year the entire way through. I'll probably write more and if you're lucky, maybe even post a few pictures. We'll see.

So it's apparently been over a month. I haven't written in a long time and I don't really want to dwell on the past events too much, not because I'm trying to forget them, but because I know that if I start, the words will spill out and I could fill pages.

I do miss my grandpa. Alot. But I am constantly reminded of God's goodness to me. During the month following his death, I was in what was probably the darkest spiritual valley I had ever been in my life. I had nothing in me. I felt so weak that I couldn't even begin to try and fight the thoughts that encroached my mind. I was so low. For at least a solid two weeks, the only prayer I could pray was "God, I can't do this. Don't leave me." I hurt so much, but through it all I never ever felt forsaken. I had absolutely no strength of my own, and the only thing that kept me going (even though it was a very weak going) was the promise I have in Christ that I will never be alone. Not now, not ever. It's beyond my comprehension the love of Christ, but God has made it known to me that I am His Child, and that it all I will ever need.

The loss of a loved one is something that is different for everyone. I'm not sure I'd use the term "over it" to explain where I am now. To me, saying that I'm over something seems as if I'm saying, I have basically forgotten. I will always miss my grandpa, and I do feel that my heart does have a piece missing that will be restored in heaven. I look forward to the future longingly and am continuously reassured that I do have a hope that keeps me going through the rough times. I'm really not sure what else I need besides that hope. Thanks be to God for his neverending covenant.

The funeral sermon text was this:

Revelation 7:9-12-
After this, I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the hrong and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands.

And they cried out in a loud voice: "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to
the Lamb!" All the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures.

They fell down on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, saying: "Amen! Praise and Glory and Wisdom and thanks and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever. Amen!"

...

what do I say?

Do I talk about how much my granpda meant to me and the rest of our family?

Do I talk about what an unexpected shock it was to lose him?

Do I talk about how just 9 days before, he was healthy?

Do I dwell on how much I miss him?

Do I pretend like I'm doing ok when everyone keeps wanting me to talk about it?

Do I act brave, even though my heart is broken?

I don't know what to say.

I know he's in heaven and so much happier.

I know that death is not our conquerer.

I know that Gilbert Cordova was given the crown of glory by Christ.

I know that he is waiting for the rest of our family to get there.

I know this. I know this all because he taught it to me and raised us with Christ as our Shepherd.

But, it still hurts right now. And I don't know what to do about that.

I love you Granpda

I miss him...

Grandpa's turn

10 bucks to guess which of my family members is in the hospital this week. Yep, good old Gilbert Cordova is now having his day in the sun, and by sun, I do mean the 3rd floor of St. Anthony's Central Hospital. At a whopping 7 doors away from where my grandma was a mere 2 weeks ago, my grandfather is thoroughly drugged right now after undergoing a surgery to take out the stones in his gallbladder. We always knew that about 70 years of him cooking his breakfasts in lard would catch up. Anyway, he's ok for now, he developed a clot where the surgery was, but the physicians found it and treated it, so I think he's just going to have to stay a few extra days to recuperate.

Que Sera Sera right?

It's always a trip when one of our family member's is in the hospital. No, literally, a trip. The rest of the Cordova clan will drive to the hospital and gather round in the room of whomever the patient is, while the nurses hate us for trying to fit so many people in, especially when there technically is a 2 person limit for visitors. Oh well. Today was kind of funny though. I wish I were a screen writer, I'm sure that there is a movie or TV show just waiting to be based on my family and all our shenanigans. Grandma's crazy with alzheimer's; grandpa can't hear anything and always causes a stir because of it. For instance, when the doctor's told my grandpa he had a clot from the surgery, for some reason or another, he thought they were telling him that he had cancer, so when my crazy grandma came in, the first thing grandpa tells her is that he has cancer. Which, he doesn't, and the rest of the family spent the next hour and a half trying to convince them both that grandpa did not, in fact, have cancer.

That was a treat. Another highlight of today was that nutrition services brought my grandpa dinner, which he didn't want because he wasn't hungry and still fairly ridden with drugs. Well, rather than just not eat it, he started to get mad that the food was going to go to waste, he grew up in the depression era and his family never wasted anything, and we were brought up the same way, though not quite as drastically. So since he definitely did not want the food to go to waste, he started asking for a to-go box...for his hospital food. Pretty much asked everyone in sight, including our whole family, the nurse, a cleaning lady, basically anyone who walked into the room and the blood tech, who, poor guy, all he wanted to do was draw some blood. Finally, dear old Uncle Randy, who had been eyeing that steak sandwich the whole time swooped in like a vulture. He said he just wanted to not let the food go to waste, but we all knew.

Uncle Alex then told the nurse about the food swiping, the nurse was fairly aggravated at that point and smoothly used the "incident" as a springboard to pretty much kick the family out by enforcing the 2 person limit. Sigh...people are so mean, and we weren't even being loud! Oh well, we'll just all go back tomorrow and hope there's a different nurse, so that the special blend of Cordova Chaos will once more reign on the third floor of St. Anthony's Central Hospital. I can hardly wait...

Design that office Cinderelly...

Just kidding. It's hard coming back to the job.

After a wonderfully long 4 day weekend (although now that it's over, it seems like it was too short) I am currently sitting once more at my expensive desk, typing on my expensive computer, and sitting on my really expensive chair. I upgraded now because my other chair was sold and I am now sitting on a $1507 chair. Oh what a burdensome life I lead.

So my grandma is a lot better. She's out of the hospital now and even though she's down a few notches because stress of it all, she is home. Sigh, however, continue to pray for my family because there's a lot of decisions that are going to have to be made in the not too distant future. But, we will cross those bridges once we get there and for now, we will revert to our family's traditional credo- Que sera, sera. That and family comes first.

It's amazing to me what I've learned from my family about dealing with tough situations. It's almost stoic the way that my family deals with stress and hard times, but at the same time, I like the method. So what if if our family is 18,000 dollars in the hole and three cars have to be replaced for some freak mechanical problems and all of a sudden, a relative needs a lot of money. Que sera sera. We'll take out a loan to help out family, because family comes first. Not only that, we'll get by and deal because we always do. There hasn't been anything that my family can't get through because of the principles that my family sticks to. Family first, and whatever happens to come our way, we'll deal. Que sera sera.

So that's what's going on in my life. Last night was the big Fourth of July Bash, nearly rained out by a torrential downpour in Denver, but cleared up in time for the big fireworks show at my Uncle's House. You can read last year's post about the Fourth of July. Nothing ever changes for as far as the traditional aspect goes. However this year, we managed to not almost get busted by the cops for shooting bottle rockets. Oh well, there's always next year...

The Lord my Pasture Shall Prepare...

so...this week has been, um, exciting? Yeah sure, let's go with that word.

This past Monday, My grandma Cordova, had a heart attack. No history of heart problems, no family history of heart conditions, just kind of out of the blue. That was scary. She had 2 blocked arteries, one was 98% blocked, the other 99%. The doctor's put in two stints and she was back home by Wednesday. It was a moderate heart attack with Mild damage done, so of course, that was a pretty big deal for the family.

This is the grandma that's been diagnosed with alzheimer's for 6 years, so she's really not in the best shape anyway. Like I said, it was kind of concerning. When the ambulance was called and the paramedics were there, Grandma was saying "I'm coming home Lord! God, I'm coming!" Later she told us that she was mad because God told her to come back, which looking back on it now, was somewhat humorous, especially if you know my crazy grandma, but still kind of caught the family by surprise.

So in the midst of all this the family has had a pretty busy week. Then today came.

My grandma the whole week has been talking about nothing but coming to church today, and the doctors wanted her to be fairly active again anyway, so even though she had just had the attack on Monday, she really wanted to come today. So this morning at the 8 o' clock service, my grandparents came in, and my grandma was a little pale, but the same as she's been.

Then, About 15 seconds into the sermon, she starts clutching her chest.

My mom tried to get her out to the narthex of the church, but she couldn't make it. I went out to call 911. I've never called 911 before.

The paramedics came and took her in the ambulance to the same hospital that she had just come out of Wednesday. Today was kind of intense. I suppose it made for a pretty eventful church service though. She's ok now I guess. Apparently the doctor's are saying that this wasn't necessarily a second heart attack, but more of an episode, whatever that means. God only knows what the future will be like for my grandma. Pray for my grandpa. It's hardest on him and even though he knows that she's eventually going to be in a better place, it still hurts him now to go through this, and he's really exhausted. Pray for peace that only God can give.

While my family (all 17 of us-and that's not even the whole family) were in the ER waiting room, I thought of 2 things:

First, Praise God for my family. Praise God that we don't have to go through this world alone and that there are people here to help us through.

Second, praise God that we only go through this world and that it is most certainly not our home. How amazingly encouraging is it to know that my grandma, as confused and crazy as she is doesn't have to fear her passing, but that she can look forward to it with joy and a longing to go home, to her real home, to be with her Shepherd. I don't know what other hope I would have in a situation like this if I didn't know the Truth. It would be devastating, and yet, since we do know, we can rejoice with her that she'll be in a much better place, where she won't have to suffer anything! What better reminder of God's promise is there? There's a hymn that I don't know the music to, but the lyrics are great:

"The Lord My Pasture Shall Prepare"by Joseph Addison

1. The Lord my pasture shall prepare
And feed me with a shepherd's care;
His presence shall my wants supply
And guard me with a watchful eye;
My noonday walks He shall attend
And all my midnight hours defend.

2. When in the sultry glebe I faint
Or on the thirsty mountain pant,
To fertile vales and dewy meads
My weary, wandering steps He leads,
Where peaceful rivers, soft and slow,
Amid the verdant landscape flow.

3. Though in the paths of death I tread,
With gloomy horrors overspread,
My steadfast heart shall fear no ill,
For Thou, O Lord, art with me still;
Thy friendly crook shall give me aid
And guide me through the dreadful shade.