If you But Trust in God to Guide You

Ok, here's the state of things:

I just signed up for a blog today for 2 main reasons

1) I have really been in the mood lately to do some journaling and with all this new fangled technology, I thought that journaling on the internet might save me a couple of bucks for paper and pencils.

2) Everyone else is doing it.

Ok, I'm semi kidding about reason number 2. But everybody else really is doing it, whether or not that is a cogent reason to do so, well that's debatable. Nevertheless, I have signed up for a "blog" I'm not smart with this website business, I don't know how to format things or what it really is even. If I tried my hand at formatting, I would thoroughly screw it up, but that's ok, because this blog is to be simply an outlet for my thoughts. So with that handy dandy introduction, I'm now a blogger. =) Yessssss

As you may have seen, I have decided to put the address as findingfulfillment. I'm not quite sure how I thought of it, but it seemed appropriate for my current state. I get those word a day e-mails and the word I had was "Entelechy" which is defined as "In some philosophies, a vital force that propels one to self-fulfillment." I liked the word, I thought it was neat, and I considered naming my blog that. Well, it was all well and good to think about it except for the one undeniable fact that I will never find fulfillment in myself. It's not possible. Oh sure, you may feel good about yourself and your career/financial station/lifestyle/ whatever, but how long does that last? We as sinful human beings are never satisfied. I can never ever ever find any sort of fulfillment unless it is through Jesus. I'm learning that more than ever this semester. We work so hard, and we push ourselves so that we can pass that test, or earn that A in the class, or land that job, but what's it for? What is it really for?

I feel like I've failed at a lot of things this semester. I have shut myself off to so many things so that I could focus on college and everything that encompasses. Well, focusing on school wasn't the problem. The problem was that I tried too hard and too often to do it on my own. My name is Gillian, and I have a problem. I signed up for 22 credits so that I could get them done, and be able to focus on interior design after this semester. I have a job, I play in the symphony, I play in the string ensemble, I am in the Interior design club, I sing in choir, I sing in the church choir, I am in Gamma Beta Phi, I am on RUF leadership, among other commitments. Now let's look at the problem- I. So many times I try to handle this all on my own. I can't. God has really purged me this semester, and through many hard lessons, I've been forced to learn to rely on God. It's been a terrible semester, but I kept going telling everyone that I was doing fine, acting like I could balance everything and still have a good spirit and be the overachiever that could do it all. Don't get me wrong, I knew from the beginning that God was the only way I could get through this semester, 22 credits and a job and all that other stuff isn't humanly possible. So why have I failed? Because I didn't always keep God first. Whenever I took my eyes off of God, I sunk. Things would happen (my car breaks down, I run out of money, etc.) and I would get freaked out and break down. Looking back on this semester, God carried me through it all, He was there the entire time, but my own foolish pride kept me from the total blessing that God was offering me. I failed, and that's hard for me to say, but it's the truth.

That's what I've been thinking about a lot lately, I know it's kind of...I don't know what it is, but that's my life right now. I didn't realize how bad I have been this semester until I got home on Tuesday. I called my best friend Ruth on Wednesday and I hadn't talked to her since August. I've been a terrible friend, I've fooled myself into believing that I've just been focused on school like a good student should be, but truth be told, I have just been so self-involved that I have forgotten everything that is and should always be more important to me than school- my health, my family, and my friends especially my two best friends Missy and Ruth.
Lord, I am a wretched sinner. I am broken down. I have nothing to offer except my sincere confession that I have sinned and fallen short of your glory. God, you are faithful and just to forgive my sin, and cleanse me from all unrighteousness, and I ask you to uphold me with your mercy and love.

Phew, so that was kind of a more indepth entry than intended, but if anybody was curious as to how I've been lately, there it is, the truth in all my failure, that's how I've been. God is Good. God's blessings to all who may be reading.

-Gillian-

If you But Trust in God to Guide You
And place your confidence in Him
You'll find Him always there beside you
To give you hope and stregth within.
For those who trust God's changeless love
Build on the rock that will not move

What gain is there in future weeping,
In helpless anger and distress?
If you are in His care and keeping,
In sorrow will He love you less?
For He who took you for a cross
Will bring you safe through ev'ry loss

In patient trust await his leisure
In cheerful hope, with heart content
To take whate'er your Father's pleasure
And all discerning love have sent;
Doubt not your inmost wants are known
To Him who chose you for His own

Sing, pray, and keep His ways unswerving,
Offer your service faithfully,
And trust HIs word; though undeserving
You'll find HIs promise true to be.
God never will forsake in need
The soul that trusts in Him indeed.