I'm on my way...

Well, 2 weeks until spring break, and even though this semester has not been anywhere near the agonizing torture that last semester was, I still feel like a break would do me well. Which of course it will, that's what breaks are meant to do. So I'm going on tour this spring break. Actually it's only a 2 city tour, but I think any more than 1 constitutes a tour. First Stop- DENVER!!!!! I'm sooo happy to be going home, I miss my family and my dogs and my state. So after a wonderful 6 days in Denver, it's off to Corpus Christi, Texas. What, you ask, is in Corpus Christi? Well, the beach for one, and in 2 weeks, Me! But Gillian, who are you staying with? How are you getting there? I'm flying there and I will be staying with one of my favorite people...me. That's right folks, I am going on my first trip to another state by myself. I've done lots of things by myself before, gone to movies, gone to dinner, stayed home alone, lots of things, but never in the history of me have I taken a real trip all by my lonesome. I don't think I'm going to be lonesome at all. In fact, I'm really looking forward to it. Just relaxing on the beach with my thoughts and my books. Yeah, most people think I'm crazy by this point, but it's all right, I'm still going to have fun. I like doing these sorts of things, even when I was younger, doing things independently made me feel like an adult, like I was grown up and taking care of myself. I suppose I always equated adulthood with independence. Was that weird? Well weird or not, it's what I do. So there you have it, people always tell me I'm really independent, I suppose so, I just don't want to have to rely on someone else for everything. Granted, sometimes my independence can be frustrating to other people, If I ever end up dating someone, he's definitely going to have to learn to put up with me wanting to do everything for myself, but no sense in putting the cart before the horse, I'll just continue my independence until someone gives me a valid reason to change. Anyway, if anyone wants to find me March 17 - 19 I won't be around, unless you happen to be at the Quality Inn and Suites in Corpus Christi Texas, in which case, I'll be the one sitting on the beach all day reading books about my favorite Architects and other various subjects...Ahhh, I can almost feel the sun already. Sigh, 2 more weeks.

What do I want?

I want to grow in God. I want to return to a time that was less busy, like second grade. I want to watch the same movies that I did when I was kid, like Milo and Otis and The Chipmunk Adventure and all the other movies that make me smile when I watch them today. I want to play in my Grandma's backyard again and swing off the pole and jump of the steps and have it seem as big today as it did back then. I want to sit on the couch curled up in a blanket and fall asleep while watching old black and white movies. I want to live in one of those old movies where everyone dresses nicely to go to the department store, and the guys all wear boutonnieres and fedoras and long overcoats, and the women wear hats and suits high heels with the nylons with the seam. I want to live in a musical with big flashy costumes and the most precisely choreographed numbers and everything turns out well in the end, and the reprise lets you know that all will end happily ever after. I want to sit down and read old books with yellowed pages that you have to take care not to rip when you flip the page. I want to finish Mrs. Vawter's suggested reading of 300 classic books. I want to drink tea while delving into the pages of George Eliot or Nathaniel Hawthorne or Shakespeare or Charlotte or Emily Bronte. I want to sit down and read the dictionary and amass a vocabulary equivalent to that of a grad school level philosophy textbook. I want to learn to play the bassoon. I want to learn to play jazz and blues style piano. I want to play Haydn's Cello Concerto in C followed closely by Lalo's Concerto in D minor at a big concert hall, maybe in New York, maybe in Denver, but somewhere. I want to live alone. I want to learn to cook well, I want to take cooking classes. I want to travel the world, go to Italy, Spain, Venezuela, Peru, Australia, and Greece, among a few other places. I want to sit with my dogs after taking them for a walk and just pet them until they are so comfortable they fall asleep on my lap and then I'll fall asleep soon after. I want to go hiking along a mountain stream and sit on a big rock and just listen to the water and the leaves and whatever other sounds nature will sing. I want to go back home. I want to sit at coffee on the lowell and people watch. I want to sit on a bench outside the Denver Public Library and people watch. I want to meet new people and listen to the life story of some stranger. I want to have a story to offer someone. That's all I want right now...is that too much?

So many thoughts, so little ability to form one structured sentence...

Wow, thoughts are definitey swirling around my head like toilet water. Gross analogy, but kind of true. Besides what else swirls? All I could think of was something like a soft-serve ice cream machine or something, but no, my thoughts aren't quite as sweet and delicious. So here I sit this Saturday morning drinking some Early Gray tea, eating grape nuts (actually generic brand Crunchy Nuggets, which doesn't sound quite as good) and wondering where to go from here. I'm not going to write out any details about anything because I'm not quite sure I want people to know exactly what I'm thinking, especially because I don't know exactly what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I'm the type of person that doesn't like to share emotions about something on the spot and that there's definitely a dominating part of me that must think about and analyze something logically before ever forming an opinion. I guess I just don't want to feel rushed to give my view, especially if there's a chance I'm going to change that view later, you can't undo what you've said, so rather I go into quiet mode and ponder and analyze until I feel like I've come to a solid, level-headed conclusion. And now for my trademark phrase- Think of me like Windows 95, you can get all the information you need, but it'll definitely take awhile. Is that weird? Well, I know the phrase is, but the concept rather is what I'm talking about. Who knows, maybe it is, but it's worked for me in the past so why try to fix it? So until I sort out what I mean to feel, I suppose I'll just have toilet water in my head.

Two roads diverged in a red Valentines day wood...

What do you know, it's the day after valentine's day and I am now faced with the option of pontificating about this day which depending on your circumstances in life may be cherished or one of the most hated days of the year, or I could swim against the flow of chalky artificially colored message hearts and not really talk about it at all...tough call. Well, how about a little of both. I will say that I am now aware that Valentine's day also may be known by the moniker of Single's Awareness day. And not only on the Anderson college campus either, I've seen it in a couple different places. Hmm...When did that start? Am I really that behind? Well I honestly don't have that much to talk about for Valentine's Day. Obviously I didn't have a valentine. Otherwise, this entry probably would have been a little different. =) It was pretty much like any other day, except with a little bit more candy, and a little bit better chance of opening up my mailbox to actually find something. Oh and by the way Mom, I missed your valentine's day card...hmmm must have been lost in the mail or something, right? just kidding, but only partially, I really did miss getting one from you. *Single tear* Anyway, that was pretty much that. Another v-day bites the dust.
So....I don't usually end up getting hurt by people, or if I do get a little hurt, I don't usually end up talking about it right? Right, so this is a new thing for me, but here's a question... a friend kind of hurt me a little recently and it's kind of been on my mind for a few days, which is unusual for me. I guess it's not really a huge thing, but it kind of stung a little, but I don't really know the whole story yet, so this entry may be a little premature, especially since I haven't talked with the person yet. Anyway, I usually put these sorts of things out of my mind, but I guess what I'm wondering is should I be hurt, because...well I don't know why. I usually just quell whatever is bothering me and it'll pass, but is that necessarily the right thing to do? I've wondered this for kind of awhile. And I know that people are always going to let others down in some way shape or form, because that's just human nature, but does that necessarily mean that I should just not let others affect me at all. Not to say that everything someone else does should have an impact on my emotions or whatever, but what happens when a friend kind of lets you down a little bit? My stone cold heart wants to say "Buck up kid, it's not important, it doesn't mean much, and the whole friendship thing wasn't that important in the first place, so you'll get over it and move on." But then my other side gets a little sad and thinks "Well, I guess I thought that maybe we were a little bit better friends than that, but..." Anyway, don't think I'm about to dismiss the friendship totally, but unfortunately since I've lost a few friends in this potential situation, my thoughts are usually directed by the outcomes of these other situations. Wow, this entry probably doesn't make sense to anyone else...Oh well, good thing it's my blog and my thoughts that I felt I wanted to write down and sort out. If you don't understand, well...sorry, but it's been on my mind. Anyway...I really need to go get back to work on my outrageously hard project right that's due as part of our grade for Ms. Martin's test tomorrow. Yeah, it's pretty brutal. But hey that's good old Maniacal Martin. Ciao for Now. I'm probably enslaved to the library if anyone wants to come visit. =)

Oh, the Lord is Good to me...

Well, it has truly been a good weekend! The RUF Conference was Friday Saturday and Sunday complete with a Totally 80's Dance on Saturday night. My cabinmates and I rocked out the blue eyeshadow and hair that was so teased we wondered if it would ever come down (thank God it did) Yay for the 80s. Then today, we ended up stopping at the home of Casey, a freshman that went on the retreat that lives near the place where it was held. We had some yummy homemade apple pie and ice cream. It was good, not the best ever but I may be biased, I still think my mom makes the best pie. While we were there my friend Josh Hardy told me that if I would talk like a redneck the rest of the day, he would talk like a Coloradoan. Wow, it was pretty funny. I get made fun of anyway because even if I'm imitating it, I don't have a "good" southern accent, so that was fun, and Josh was even funnier because he ended dropping his voice an octave and spoke like an aristocrat about how we was going to get into his Yukon and drive up a mountain and then drive back down because that's what they do in Colorado. A fun time was had by all. Well I'm trying to think of anything else that was fun, or if anything else has been on my mind lately, but it hasn't really. Well.... just kidding, nothing really imporant has been happening lately. I've just been living my happy little life and it's been wonderful, I'm not stressed, I'm not tired all the time, and I really feel like I've been growing in the Lord and just am able to enjoy all of His blessings that he gives without worrying when the next hardship will come. You really can't expect or ask for anything more. =) Hope everyone has a great week!!!
Gillian <3

The times they are a-changing...

Well, it's been awhile since I last posted and lots of things have been happening, big things, but none of them are technically happening to me. It seems like everyone around is me is getting struck with tragedies. My friend's grandfather unexpectedly died this morning, I know another person who's dad just died, another friend's best friend was killed in a bicycle accident, my neighbor's house caught fire and I found out this past week that my next door neighbor committed suicide after his wife moved out. All these horrible things keep happening, but none of them truly happen to me, but holy crap can you say thought-provoking. Perspective really is an amazing part of life isn't it? It's things like this that happen and all I can say is "How long O, Lord must we wait?" It's that desperation for Christ to come and fix this entire world. It shows how truly screwed up this entire world is, but more importantly shows the undeniable need for someone to save us. I can't imagine going through any of those things without the hope of Christ, because what other hope is there? Bad things will not stop happening in this world, and we can't do anything to stop bad things from happening, So what do we do? Well, we just have to do what Christ taught us to do, spread the Gospel, and give others that same hope that you and I have, that hope that this is not the end, that this life is most certainly not as good as it gets. This place is temporary, and what is life but a vapor? I don't know, It just really shows the dire need to spread the Gospel to everyone. Pray for people that are going through rough times, it seems like everyone is lately. God's Blessings, Gillian