Still I wonder...

*Sigh* I'm not even sure what to write tonight, but I just felt like posting something...anything, so pardon me if this blog post is a bit roundabout or not really cogent, but I'm just going to write what comes out.

Sometimes when I stop to reflect about my life and where God has led me thus far, I am just completely amazed. Especially when I consider how I have changed. One of the biggest areas that is evident to me is coming out in deciding on my future plans. If you were to ask me even just 7 or 8 months ago what I would be doing after I graduate, I would have said "I'm going to be a great residential interior designer in Denver living in a nice apartment somewhere near downtown" and that has been my dream for a long time really. Not to say that the dream is completely gone, but when I stop to think about it now, if someone were to ask me now, If I'm being honest, I will say "I'm not exactly sure anymore. I used to know exactly what I wanted to do, but somehow, maybe that has changed." I guess that's growing up huh? Still, it seems so contradictory to my normal self. I've always been the ambitious girl who's known what she's wanted since forever and will work herself to death to get there. Now, I'm still trying to figure out if that dream that had been in place for so long is really going to be how it turns out.
How do I say this, though? To everyone that expects me to still have that same drive? How do I say that I'm not exactly sure that my future plans are what's right for me? I try to picture myself in this upcoming school year, when I should be focused on getting a spectacular internship and learning as much as I can in my chosen career path, but when I think about it and the dedication it will take, I question whether or not I will have the heart to do it. I've always struggled with the profession and the materialism and greed that is so present in it, and now more than ever, I wonder if I'm cut out for it, and can tolerate it. Because, honestly, I wonder if it's still as important to me as it was.
Maybe you've already guessed it, but a lot of these feelings surfaced after the trip to Peru. Sometimes it seems that maybe I'm being called more to the ministry, and when I consider the work that God may be calling me for, it really makes getting a good interior design job pale in comparison. These are just the thoughts that I've been wrestling with lately. I don't think that I made a mistake in choosing Interior Design as a major, if I hadn't, I never would have been in Anderson. So I guess I'm saying I don't regret the path that I've taken (or rather been led down) but I also wonder how far along this path I'm supposed to go. I'm pretty sure that I am supposed to finish college first, actually I know I'm supposed to finish college, but like I said, I wonder how far down this path I'm supposed to go, and if I'm supposed to be thinking about a job in the ministry, how do I focus on finishing school first, and again, is that what I'm supposed to do? I think part of this has to do with God teaching me to be patient and trust Him to be my strength, even if I don't feel like dealing with Ms. Martin for another 2 years (Which I don't feel like by the way) but I think I just really need to be encouraged that I am doing the right thing by sticking with school because I'm not sure I will have the motivation to do it if I'm not sure. Does that make sense? I just...I don't know.
I have this friend Doris Saldana that I met down in Peru and God has just amazingly placed her in my life. She's Catholic, but I don't think a very devout Catholic and her boyfriend Peter is agnostic. We got to talk about her profession alot (She's a lawyer) and that really just sparked a friendship there, I've been exchanging e-mails back and forth with her and I've just been trying to share the Gospel alot with her and encourage her because Peter right now is really depressed. Bailey and I have both been sharing Bible passages with her and I sent her a gift too (a Spanish/English Law dictionary to help her practice her english) and she was just so thankful. She said that she knows that God put Bailey and I in her life at just the right time, a low point when she needed alot of encouragement, and it's God's workings especially like this one that just encourage me so much. She's even started going to church, one of the missionary churches in Trujillo! It really just makes me think about my life in a different perspective, especially about what's REALLY important. And when I think about things like that, I wonder exactly how important it is to live in a downtown apartment with a great business. Would I really be happy there?
I know that you can be a witness wherever you are and it's not about who's a better Christian than whomever else, but I wonder if God is calling me to be a witness to those who may not have had the same opportunities that we as americans have. I know that everything happens for a reason in every single person's life, and when I reminisce about different events in my life, I wonder if they have been put there as preparation for carrying out a calling to serve. For instance, my grandma and her mission, learning even from a young age about helping others. By the time I was 7, I'd probably seen more poverty stricken areas than some people may ever see in person. I'm not trying to sound egotistical or like I'm bragging or anything at this point, but I'm just thinking out loud (or rather in written form). I've said that I haven't gone through any major tragedies in my life and someone once said that I'm solid in my faith. I know that humans fall alot, but I suppose that so far, I am confident in my faith. Don't take that the wrong way, I know how sinful I am, but I know that the only thing I have to boast is Christ, and It is my stronghold. The passage in Corinthians (the one I always refer to) that speaks of different gifts of the Spirit, the passage has been on my mind alot and it makes me wonder if that maybe one of the gifts that God has given me is the confidence and solidity in Him. Again, none of this is my doing, please please please don't think I have any faith in myself, but I want to share that confidence in the Gospel with others so that they can experience the joy found only in Christ.

Man, this post got long. These are just thoughts that I have been having in my head alot lately. It's funny what happens when you just start to write and don't necessarily have a specific goal in mind. I'm sure everyone knows I have about a million more pages of thoughts about this, but it's late. Most people probably didn't read this (probably for the best too) I'm sure that this post will reveal alot of my needs and weaknesses, but if you did happen to stick it out, please pray for me. I don't necessarily even know what to pray for, I suppose mainly for patience as I wait for God to clearly show me my future path and the strength to walk down that path confidently in Him, whatever path he chooses. God's blessings.

"The Wonderer"