This has been one of those days. One of those days when I get pensive and then frustrated with the fact that I am not a songwriter or poet or painter or genius of any sort. This has been one of those days when I get the great urge inside of me to create something, but then feel overwhelmed with my limitations.
I feel the need to sit and just write and write words that are meaningful and full of depth and beauty, and then I realize that I'm not a writer.
I feel the need to sit down with a guitar, or at the piano, or with my cello and write a memorable sonata or melody that calms the soul, and then I realize that I don't play the guitar, I don't have a piano to play, nor am I musically proficient enough to compose.
I feel the need to grab my paintbrushes and materials and create a landscape or pastoral scene or moving abstract on a blank canvas, and then I realize that I'm not a painter.
I won't even touch on what sort of genius I'm not. I think that one's obvious.
Anyway, this mood strikes me every once in a while. The mood that I must somehow pour out some of this need to present myself in an artistic way, and then the realization that whatever I pour out will not be backed by the fundamental skills necessary to satisfy a standard of artistic expression. Is that my own criticism of myself coming through, or an inferiority complex of what society might deem artful expression? Now, whether or not society views something as artistic expression is moot. Artistic Expression, as far as I'm concerned anyway, needs only to meet the standards of the expresser, as it is something that is created by an individual for the benefit of the individual. So...why do I get frustrated with myself for not "being able" to express myself?
No, that's not a rhetorical question. I really don't know so I would appreciate any insight.
Well anyway, that was my feeble attempt at something that feels somewhat philosophical, but probably isn't in the slightest. I probably shouldn't quit my day job.
Anyway, on the fluffier side of life, school has been great! Except for that oh so lovable interior design professor, everything in my life has been smooth sailing. I love my housemates, and I haven't been struck with the panic of many a Senior trying to figure out what the "h" I will be doing with my life after graduation. If there is one thing that I have learned in my life that God really beat into me is the fact that the unknown is nothing to fear. I don't know what I will be doing a year from now. I have absolutely no idea where I'll be living, who I will be friends with, if I'll be making any sort of money (that's normally the scary one) or any of that stuff. But! The good news is that I don't have to worry about that, because I enjoy watching God unfold his will for me. I used to spend so much time worrying about the next day and the next week and month that I barely had time to stop and see the everyday workings of God in my life. Which is the best part. That's the part that I've come to love, the everyday.
Don't think I'm perfect. Not that you do, but that's me telling myself that. I stumble and worry and at the first sign of trouble (especially financial) I start shaking in my boots and try to figure out things for myself, which usually turns out poorly. But God is still working and that's the promise that allows me to breathe a little bit and rest in the comfort of His word.
So for me, the old "What are you going to do after you graduate?" -the most infamous and perhaps most dreaded question of college Seniors no longer holds the same weight as it once did. What am I doing? We'll see. Right now, I think I'm moving to Peru for a year after I graduate and then eventually getting back around to interior design in Denver. But I wouldn't go to the bank on that. =)
God's Blessings!
"Many are the Plans in a Man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails" Proverbs 19:21
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