Oh my. back to school already.
Not too bad, I mean, how much damage can one school week do? hopefully i will not be eating those words later. This actually probably will be a very good week and a half. Here's what my schedule is looking like.
Wednesday- Class and then one more class
Thursday- No class, work the afternoon
Friday- Class, then cello lesson
Friday and Saturday nights- various and sundry Christmas pageants
Sunday- Church
Monday- Nothing
Tuesday-Nothing
Wednesday- One and only final exam
Thursday-Nothing
Clearly, Im swamped. :)
Anyway, other than the pressures of my strenous schedule, things here are pretty good. It's just that last 2 week rut for me, when I just think, man, I really don't want to pack. So I put it off until the day before I leave for home. Oh yeah, I'm driving back to Colorado by myself again. Whee! Feel free to call and distract me from the natural wonders of places like "Paducah, Kentucky; Boonville, Missouri; Junction City, Kansas; and any other thriving metropolis that you can name along Interstate 70 headed West. 3 days of jam packed craziness is what I like to think of the drive. I know it's not true, but sometimes I can trick myself into thinking it's exciting. Anyway, this will be the last time that I make that trek home for Christmas. I think I'm supposed to feel sad at this point, but I think I'm kind of indifferent. Is that bad? It's not that I hate anderson or regret the last four years, but I think I've gotten used to looking forward to the next step in life...which coincidentally enough is another Continent South of here. I bet the blog that I type one year from now will be a lot different. =)
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
I need an outlet- this isn't a happy post.
This was the first Thankgiving without him.
Words of course cannot say how much I miss him. It's been about 4 months since my grandpa died and although the grief doesn't necessarily affect me daily anymore, I still miss him so much. I always will. Overall Thanksgiving was good, but of course- different. There was a big part missing. and even though my family shared many genuine laughs and smiles, I think in our hearts, we all knew who everyone was thinking about. If I didn't carry the promise that this life is not the end, I don't know what I would do. I'll never understand why God blessed me so much with my family, but I will eternally be thankful for all of them, especially my grandparents for raising me in the promises of Christ. My grandmother has had alzheimer's for the past 7 years, going on 8, and I can't say that she's doing well. She misses him probably more than any of us. He loved and took care of her so much, he spent every last ounce of his energy providing for her and making sure that she was well taken care of. We went to his gravesite today after church. Today was the first time that I had been to the church where his funeral was since the actual funeral. It was weird being there. My grandma started crying during the service. She misses him so much. Afterwards, we went to the gravesite. Today was the first time I'd been there since his burial. My mom told me my grandma breaks down every time she goes there. She gets down on the grass and cries and kisses his headstone. She misses him more than anyone. And the hardest part is not that he' s gone, because even though my selfishness wants him here to help me, he is resting. And I know in the deep of my heart that it's better that way, no matter what my emotions say to me here on earth. but the hardest part is watching my grandmother. she's deteriorated so much and It's so hard to watch her struggle with the alzheimers. she's so confused and hard for her when she doesn't understand things and doesn't know how to express her frustration. It's hard on my family trying to take care of her, and not always understanding her. And it's especially hard knowing that her end is probably coming soon. She's moving into a nursing home soon I think, and it's going to be hard taking her from the home that she's been in for the past 50 years to some place where our family can't be with her 24/7, but we can't watch her 24/7. it's too much, and it's wearing everyone down. And it's hard for me to not be here to help when I hear how the rest of my family needs help. I want to be here, and even though I would leave school in a heartbeat to help if I knew that I needed to, I know that is not what God wants me to do right now. and it's hard to understand that sometimes. I don't know what else to call it besides hard. I hate talking about it. Normally, I would probably just delete this post before I let it publish, because I hate people knowing. Not that I don't want people to pray for my family, or because I think I can handle it myself, but because I know that it's too much for me to have people asking me about it. When people ask how my family is doing, I cannot honestly answer that everything's fine or that things are stable. It's not. but people dont always understand the situation, so I have to explain it, and if I start talking about it, I'll break down everytime, so it's easier for me to avoid the question all together. I know people say I you can't keep things bottled up, but if I don't put some sort of a stopper there, nothing is going to be held back. so please, let me deal with this with my family, they know and understand and all of us are a sort of silent companion for each other I think. We all are carrying the same emotions, and because my grandpa built such strong family ties, we can stick together through this. I'm never more comfortable than when my family is together. And whether it be eating a feast, sharing memories, sharing grief, or just being together, we all have had the same values instilled into us by Gilbert and Jeanne Cordova. I can think of no two better people on earth.
Words of course cannot say how much I miss him. It's been about 4 months since my grandpa died and although the grief doesn't necessarily affect me daily anymore, I still miss him so much. I always will. Overall Thanksgiving was good, but of course- different. There was a big part missing. and even though my family shared many genuine laughs and smiles, I think in our hearts, we all knew who everyone was thinking about. If I didn't carry the promise that this life is not the end, I don't know what I would do. I'll never understand why God blessed me so much with my family, but I will eternally be thankful for all of them, especially my grandparents for raising me in the promises of Christ. My grandmother has had alzheimer's for the past 7 years, going on 8, and I can't say that she's doing well. She misses him probably more than any of us. He loved and took care of her so much, he spent every last ounce of his energy providing for her and making sure that she was well taken care of. We went to his gravesite today after church. Today was the first time that I had been to the church where his funeral was since the actual funeral. It was weird being there. My grandma started crying during the service. She misses him so much. Afterwards, we went to the gravesite. Today was the first time I'd been there since his burial. My mom told me my grandma breaks down every time she goes there. She gets down on the grass and cries and kisses his headstone. She misses him more than anyone. And the hardest part is not that he' s gone, because even though my selfishness wants him here to help me, he is resting. And I know in the deep of my heart that it's better that way, no matter what my emotions say to me here on earth. but the hardest part is watching my grandmother. she's deteriorated so much and It's so hard to watch her struggle with the alzheimers. she's so confused and hard for her when she doesn't understand things and doesn't know how to express her frustration. It's hard on my family trying to take care of her, and not always understanding her. And it's especially hard knowing that her end is probably coming soon. She's moving into a nursing home soon I think, and it's going to be hard taking her from the home that she's been in for the past 50 years to some place where our family can't be with her 24/7, but we can't watch her 24/7. it's too much, and it's wearing everyone down. And it's hard for me to not be here to help when I hear how the rest of my family needs help. I want to be here, and even though I would leave school in a heartbeat to help if I knew that I needed to, I know that is not what God wants me to do right now. and it's hard to understand that sometimes. I don't know what else to call it besides hard. I hate talking about it. Normally, I would probably just delete this post before I let it publish, because I hate people knowing. Not that I don't want people to pray for my family, or because I think I can handle it myself, but because I know that it's too much for me to have people asking me about it. When people ask how my family is doing, I cannot honestly answer that everything's fine or that things are stable. It's not. but people dont always understand the situation, so I have to explain it, and if I start talking about it, I'll break down everytime, so it's easier for me to avoid the question all together. I know people say I you can't keep things bottled up, but if I don't put some sort of a stopper there, nothing is going to be held back. so please, let me deal with this with my family, they know and understand and all of us are a sort of silent companion for each other I think. We all are carrying the same emotions, and because my grandpa built such strong family ties, we can stick together through this. I'm never more comfortable than when my family is together. And whether it be eating a feast, sharing memories, sharing grief, or just being together, we all have had the same values instilled into us by Gilbert and Jeanne Cordova. I can think of no two better people on earth.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I don't do that sort of thing.
so....it's always hard to know where to begin when you haven't written in awhile. Do I fill in every last detail about the past [enter said time since last post]? or do I keep it brief and light and not really say anything at all? Well I have never really been a fan of opening your mouth without having something to say, so I might just have to dig a little bit deep and try to come up with something somewhat worthwhile.
Knock Knock....
I'm just kidding.
So here I am, one week away from being home and my sight is so focused on that plane trip right now it's not even funny. Unfortunately, this little thing called life likes to get its kicks and giggles by trying to kill me before I can go home. Man, I have so much stuff to do before Tuesday, so of course, the first thing I do is turn to the computer to check facebook, myspace, and write more on my blog. Good Call Gillian.
Well anyway, that's what's new on the old school front. Other than that, I realized today that I have 6 weddings to go to within the next 7 months. holy moly. First of all, apparently I missed the "2006 Engagement Fest" promotional flyer. Second, I have never been in a wedding before and now I'm in 3 of them; Third, see number 1 again. I'm glad I'm not getting married anytime soon...or ever if I can help it. I don't see myself as the type. You can ask me about that later if you want.
Well, 3 bridesmaids dresses will end up costing a pretty penny I think. Yikes. So there you have it, call me cynical call me bitter that's fine, but don't call me Shirley.
Knock Knock....
I'm just kidding.
So here I am, one week away from being home and my sight is so focused on that plane trip right now it's not even funny. Unfortunately, this little thing called life likes to get its kicks and giggles by trying to kill me before I can go home. Man, I have so much stuff to do before Tuesday, so of course, the first thing I do is turn to the computer to check facebook, myspace, and write more on my blog. Good Call Gillian.
Well anyway, that's what's new on the old school front. Other than that, I realized today that I have 6 weddings to go to within the next 7 months. holy moly. First of all, apparently I missed the "2006 Engagement Fest" promotional flyer. Second, I have never been in a wedding before and now I'm in 3 of them; Third, see number 1 again. I'm glad I'm not getting married anytime soon...or ever if I can help it. I don't see myself as the type. You can ask me about that later if you want.
Well, 3 bridesmaids dresses will end up costing a pretty penny I think. Yikes. So there you have it, call me cynical call me bitter that's fine, but don't call me Shirley.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
It really is ridiculous...
I just got invited to join a facebook group called "People laugh at My laugh"
I never realized that my laugh was ridiculous until other people started pointing it out. Just goes to show that your perception of yourself rarely matches other's perception of you.
Thought for the Day!
I never realized that my laugh was ridiculous until other people started pointing it out. Just goes to show that your perception of yourself rarely matches other's perception of you.
Thought for the Day!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)