This was the first Thankgiving without him.
Words of course cannot say how much I miss him. It's been about 4 months since my grandpa died and although the grief doesn't necessarily affect me daily anymore, I still miss him so much. I always will. Overall Thanksgiving was good, but of course- different. There was a big part missing. and even though my family shared many genuine laughs and smiles, I think in our hearts, we all knew who everyone was thinking about. If I didn't carry the promise that this life is not the end, I don't know what I would do. I'll never understand why God blessed me so much with my family, but I will eternally be thankful for all of them, especially my grandparents for raising me in the promises of Christ. My grandmother has had alzheimer's for the past 7 years, going on 8, and I can't say that she's doing well. She misses him probably more than any of us. He loved and took care of her so much, he spent every last ounce of his energy providing for her and making sure that she was well taken care of. We went to his gravesite today after church. Today was the first time that I had been to the church where his funeral was since the actual funeral. It was weird being there. My grandma started crying during the service. She misses him so much. Afterwards, we went to the gravesite. Today was the first time I'd been there since his burial. My mom told me my grandma breaks down every time she goes there. She gets down on the grass and cries and kisses his headstone. She misses him more than anyone. And the hardest part is not that he' s gone, because even though my selfishness wants him here to help me, he is resting. And I know in the deep of my heart that it's better that way, no matter what my emotions say to me here on earth. but the hardest part is watching my grandmother. she's deteriorated so much and It's so hard to watch her struggle with the alzheimers. she's so confused and hard for her when she doesn't understand things and doesn't know how to express her frustration. It's hard on my family trying to take care of her, and not always understanding her. And it's especially hard knowing that her end is probably coming soon. She's moving into a nursing home soon I think, and it's going to be hard taking her from the home that she's been in for the past 50 years to some place where our family can't be with her 24/7, but we can't watch her 24/7. it's too much, and it's wearing everyone down. And it's hard for me to not be here to help when I hear how the rest of my family needs help. I want to be here, and even though I would leave school in a heartbeat to help if I knew that I needed to, I know that is not what God wants me to do right now. and it's hard to understand that sometimes. I don't know what else to call it besides hard. I hate talking about it. Normally, I would probably just delete this post before I let it publish, because I hate people knowing. Not that I don't want people to pray for my family, or because I think I can handle it myself, but because I know that it's too much for me to have people asking me about it. When people ask how my family is doing, I cannot honestly answer that everything's fine or that things are stable. It's not. but people dont always understand the situation, so I have to explain it, and if I start talking about it, I'll break down everytime, so it's easier for me to avoid the question all together. I know people say I you can't keep things bottled up, but if I don't put some sort of a stopper there, nothing is going to be held back. so please, let me deal with this with my family, they know and understand and all of us are a sort of silent companion for each other I think. We all are carrying the same emotions, and because my grandpa built such strong family ties, we can stick together through this. I'm never more comfortable than when my family is together. And whether it be eating a feast, sharing memories, sharing grief, or just being together, we all have had the same values instilled into us by Gilbert and Jeanne Cordova. I can think of no two better people on earth.
No comments:
Post a Comment