What's happened to me?

Hello Blogspot my old friend...

I've come to write on you again.... Anyway, so I suppose it's been a few days since I last posted something, almost 2 weeks but those 2 weeks were quite possibly some of the most jam packed weeks I've experienced. Last week especially. Lots of things happened, too many things happened. I didn't really enjoy it all that much. Now, I don't want to be one to be all morose about things, but I will retrospect for a tid bit. Ok, so this past week, my schedule was inhuman. Among extra rehearsals for string ensemble and orchestra, RUF, playing for Collin, playing for Joseph, playing for church, String ensemble concert thursday, birthday Friday, dress rehearsal saturday, formal saturday, church Sunday, Concert Sunday, another all nighter for my design project that was due monday, my parent's visiting from Thursday to Sunday, visiting my aunt and uncle sunday, and oh yeah classes on top of that, I was at the end of my rope. I was so frustrated because I was being pulled in 15 different directions, and none of them were my own. I know that I do alot and I volunteer for alot of stuff, but some of it I didnt volunteer for, and I think I was (and possibly still am) at the point where I just want everyone to leave me alone. I love helping out with things and all that jazz, but I feel like after I would say yes to one thing, others started just expecting me to do things sometimes without even asking. But I don't want to make myself out to be a martyr or anything, but I need a break. When you're too busy that you forget your own birthday, and then realize that you're too busy and tired to celebrate it, it's a problem. I'm stressed and exhausted, I have a knot in my shoulders the size of Iowa and I've lost control of my life, but this isn't a new thing for me. This has been going on all year and I'm sick of it. I've done just about everything short of selling my soul to try and get ahead and please people and impress people and I don't know why I do it. Why do I do it? I thought that this semester was going really great and that things were getting back into order, but this last month has just been utter chaos again. I need sleep. I need a break. And I really need to get out of Anderson for 3 months. I can't even think of anything else right now except making it this last week and then not even thinking about school until august. which is exactly what I need. The problem is, will I have the energy and/or motivation to finish out this last week, because I'm not sure I do. People don't believe me when I tell them I'm thisclose to just quitting school right now. They think I'm to committed for that and that I would never make such a rash decision. Sometimes I wish I would make rash decisions like that and totally blow everyone's expectations including mine. Expectations are a funny thing... Anyway, enough from lake woebegone. Sorry my first post back was little more than melancholic. Oh well,

...and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence.

Sesame Strizzle

Sesame Strizzle
Originally uploaded by Denverdesigner07.

This picture comes from a website that is quite possibly one of the funniest ones I've seen in a really long time. Go to www.gizoogle.com and just explore the wonderments that await you. The language is a little rough sometimes (you might not want to go there mom) but I think the hilarity more than makes up for the dirty words. Just wanted to post the picture because it is way too freakin hilarious.

You bet your sweet Aspercreme

Well...I'm not sure I really started this post with anything to write other than just that I think I'm getting back on track. I got my very first 20th birthday gift today in the mail. Gracias to Marcus for the Pizza and Root beer kits, I can't wait to try out the pizza in the toaster oven that we don't technically have *wink* Anyway, yeah. It's been kind of nuts this week and my thoughts are still scattered on a lot of things. I guess I didn't realize it so much at the time, but I've been going through a rough time this semester, even though it was a different type of roughness, kind of a masked rough spot, but still, I didn't realize it so much until a little while ago. I guess I've just kind of been in a funk lately. Not to say that this semester has sucked entirely, but it's not been what I expected it to be. New friends have come into my life, some old friends left, some friends stayed put, but the relationship changed, but Changes...Isn't that what life is full of? David Bowie seems to think so. School work has also been interesting. Sophomore reviews really impacted me. More so than I thought they would. I'm starting to figure out more of who I am and what places things have in my life; what I want for myself and how I want to go about obtaining those desires; what I need in life, and how much patience I'll need to wait for it. So my blog posts haven't been extraordinarily upbeat lately, but I haven't been either. I wanted so badly to just get back to normal and be able to care alot about my work and interior design and everything, but then it just got to a point where I needed a break from everything. like I said earlier, I was pretty much at the end of my rope. I talked to some people about how I basically just wanted to run the opposite direction from interior design, that I just wanted to quit for a little while and go and just help people however God want's me to help them. But I needed to let go, and figure out that this is what God wants for me and even if I feel like I am in the shadows and there is no end in sight, God will lead me through the pits and the mucky muck (little Tenacious D allusion for you) I just am glad that God is still pruning me. Even if whatever I go through sucks beyond all belief, if nothing else I know that it is for my benefit and that God is doing it to grow me in Him. What a blessing and comfort. See everyone Later!

She emerges from the depths...

What a ridiculous week. I have been pushed down and kicked and spit on ever since Sunday. I did not sleep between Sunday and Monday. I didn't turn in my Interior Design project when it was due which is basically equivalent to committing academic suicide right after you cut off all your appendages. In other words it's not a good thing. Anyway, I broke down. Multiple times throughout the week. And I have neither the time nor the desire to recount everything that contributed to make my week hell on earth. But know that I felt like saying "Help, I've fallen, but I'm not even sure I want to get up right now." But it's ok, because yesterday, the clouds finally parted and my week from hell, though still a week from hell, seemed to be clearing up. I've talked to a few people about my situation with Ms. Martin, well, everything is all clear now, apparently, contrary to popular opinion, Ms. Martin does have soul, and coincidentally enough, it is capable of caring and encouraging. Just when I was at the end of my rope with nothing left but to cut the rope, Ms. Martin gives me complements and encouragment. I couldn't believe it, but it's true, and it really was just what I needed. So this week definitely sucked, but it'll be better and I have high hopes (well maybe not high, but definitely a glimmer of hope) that the rest of the year will be ok. I'm getting better. I'm getting there....

Music is what feelings sound like.

I realize that my last few posts have been a little less than extraordinarily upbeat. I don't like to be the type of person that contemplates to a point of exhaustion/depression. I obviously would much rather write about the wonderful things in life like flowers and the smell in the air during a spring night and other things that remind me how glorious God's creation is, but the Christian life is not without struggles and everyone has them. I happen to be struggling through some things right now, maybe not struggles as things that I need to sort out about myself and my place in the world and other things and what place they have in my life. Again, I know I'm probably not making much sense right now, but it's the truth, I don't have any answers or sagacious things to share. Bear with me, I'm still working through things.
On a different note, I played cello tonight for my friend Collin's CD that he's recording. (Ha Ha, I just noticed my pun...different NOTE! Sorry) The cello is an amazing stress reliever for me. Even if I suck, I can just get lost in the tones that come out from my instrument. And the more I play, the more I find out that if I just lose myself to the music and the cello, the better it is. Anyone can be trained on an instrument, but to really play that instrument, there has to be a passion there. Someone once said "Play the Music, not the instrument." I think that's one of the areas that I've really grown as a "musician" in the last few years. I mean, I've only been playing for like 6 years, so I guess in the last half of my career, I've tried to work on just letting the music take over and focusing on what I want to put into the cello which will come out anyway, rather than just playing the notes. I don't even know if that makes sense. I was listening to NPR one day ( I know, I'm a nerd) and Yo Yo Ma was on there, and he was talking about this song he was playing and he described it in such an artistic manner, you could truly tell that he wasn't just playing a song, he was creating a work of art right before the listeners. I think it was Stokowski that said something along the lines of "A painter paints on a canvas, but a musician paints on silence." Isn't it amazing the gift that God has blessed us with? I love it. Music is way too big a part of myself and my identity to ignore or move away from. If I did, I would lose myself.

Back to you, Life...

Despite what my poor blogging habits appear to convey, I have not fallen off the face of the planet. I am here, but this past week I have retreated into a fortress of contemplation. I've been doing alot of introspection and I'm not sure I've come up with any answers yet. Actually I'm not expecting to come up with any answers on my own, I won't figure this one out so I've just been praying for God to give me His wisdom, because mine is worthless. I've been thinking alot about where I am in life, especially with my future plans and what I need to do with my life. Oh, I'm not talking about changing my career or major or anything, I don't think I can find whatever I'm looking for in scholastics. I know this probably isn't making much sense right now, but it doesn't to me either. Alot of this started after sophomore reviews and after I started really thinking about them, I guess this is just my response to it. Anyway, I'll probably explain more later when I can form a cogent synopsis of what I'm talking about, but for right now, I think I just need someone to talk to...