So...I've had lots of thoughts running through my head tonight and the past few days or so. It's been one of those days today when you're just sort of...melancholy I suppose would be an adequate word. I don't know. Do you ever wonder why you are you and why you turned out the way you did? Well next question, do you ever not like who you've become? Sometimes I'll take a step back from my life and all I feel like doing is shaking my head at myself because I'm not happy with me. Oh I'm not saying I hate myself. But on a whole, I think I'm getting frustrated with me. I have no idea why. I don't really even know what I'm trying to say. I think when I say I'm frustrated, part of that frustration comes from the fact that I feel like I should be better. That I'm not smart enough, or kind enough, or whatever enough. I want to do great things, I want to be remembered. I'm not saying I want to be a celebrity of any sort, but I want to make an impact on someone's life. I want to be a great daughter, and a great friend, and a great student. But I also feel like however I'm living my life right now, it's just...not enough. I guess I'm just unhappy with what I see as my shortcomings. I've really noticed that this past semester, exactly how not capable I am. I'm not saying that I want to do everything myself, I know I can't do anything myself, God's the only reason for my living in the first place. But I feel like even on my Christian walk, I'm just...not there. I don't want to say that I've been really discouraged lately, but part of me feels like I haven't been encouraged either, by anyone really. I'm not saying that I need everyone to tell me how wonderful I am all the time. I know I'm not. Let's see if I can explain this better, well, I guess It's just kind of been a bit lonely these past 4 months or so. I understand completely that it was entirely my fault. I tried to do it all, and I was constantly running from here to there, and I saw my friends as much as possible, but sometimes it felt like I was only getting told by various people "Gee Gillian, you need to do this, or you need to take care of that, or you shouldn't do this that or the other thing" Truthfully, I was telling myself those things the majority of the time. I've been told I'm too hard on myself. Am I? I said before I want to do something great that will impact somebody, but I think a big part of my frustration with me comes from the fact that I partially feel like I might not have it in me to be great in any sense of the word. And that frustrates/scares me. I feel like I may just be working in vain, that I'm never going to be any of those things, especially with who I am. So...who am I?
This post has been very self-centered and I apologize to whomever may be reading this, I hope that my thoughts won't be miscontrued in any way. These were just some thoughts that have been running through my head and I felt like I needed to get them out.
3 comments:
as your brother in Christ, may i take this opportunity to point you towards him. i know you've heard it before and will hear it again as well but you don't have to and aren't supposed to be good enough. may your dissatisfation with yourself only serve as a reminder that you are a sinner radically saved and redeemed by a grace that you never have and never will deserve.
sorry to get so preachy : ) i just happen to feel very strongly about being dissapointed in yourself when you have no apparent reason to be.
glad you made it home safely. i'm enjoying my not-at-school-anymore time though it has been a little busier than i would have liked. well ... yeah. that's it.
- Collin
Now that it's two days after this has been posted, I hope this comment no longer finds you wallowing in the mud of not-good-enough-ness. Maybe you're just overwhelmed by all the things you should do, have to do, and have not done, but I've been there to. I don't mean to get preachy either, but God does win the best advice, council, wisdom, encouragement of the year award, and He's told me to do the whole casting my cares on Him routine. It worked for me. As far as feeling like you're not good enough, or haven't fulfilled your life in Christ or surrendered to Him, or whatever, a professor at my school once told the class that, "God always works on your level." God's not going to expect you to do something you can't do, and His love covers all the things you could have done but didn't (I John 4:8, 4:18). Again, God will work with you on your level, no matter how low it is. I know because He's stooped pretty low to work with me--I don't know how many times. God's pretty humble. He doesn't even make it seem like He's condescending to my level. It's like He was always here, even when I thought He was up on His throne wishing I would get with it. Anyway, thanks for blogging, Gillian.
David
hey, golley(gahley,golly,etc.) i wish i had the time to write about what you said.i will as soon as my right arm moves that is a promise. i just wanted to say hello to all of ya'll in denver and say that i hope you're having a great time. my surgery is at 9:45 tomorrow, so pray that the doctor doesnt paralyze my arm because then my future in drawing would be over, or at least experience a setback. because seriously there's no stopping the talent, i'm certain my left arm has just as much potential as my right ever did. oh and for the record Ian, i now have a bowl cut
Post a Comment