Untitled musing

It doesn't feel like Easter. I haven't been very reflective this year, and I think that part of that comes from not being able to attend Lenten Vespers on Wednesdays because of my class, I haven't had any time of preparation. But I suppose that's no excuse, shouldn't I have been preparing myself. Proabably, but once again, I've fallen short. Sometimes it feels like I keep working and pushing myself and my limits and keep striving to be better, but I don't always know why. I guess it's just always how I've been and it's how I've been raised...if you don't like something about yourself or the situation you're in you should change it. I feel like I'm constantly waiting and working for change. That there always has to be something better out there that I'm working towards. Why? What am I waiting for? Am I waiting for the perfect career, perfect financial situation, perfect friendship, perfect (gasp) relationship? I think part of me is scared to think that maybe I'm working and striving and it's going to be in vain. What if I'm supposed to end up poor and working at St. Anthony's Central Hospital until I retire, what if all of my friendships have major flaws? What if I'm supposed to stay single for the rest of my life? Why should I be scared about that, God's promised to take care of me, but will I be too proud and doubtful to realize that maybe God plans on taking care of me another way than what I think is the best way. I suppose deep down that's what I'm really afraid of, that I won't have the faith to let God take care of me according to His will even if it's not according to my will. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this one, but as usual, I extirpated some of the thoughts that just started flowing. I'm not deep. I'm definitely not a forward thinker or sagacious in any way shape or form. I wish people wouldn't encourage me to be like that, because I feel like I probably think of more of myself that other people do already. Sometimes I wonder what people really think of me and what they see me as. Am I putting forward the characteristics that I want people to see in me enough? Because I wonder if people only see me as that sarcastic girl who talks too loud. Yeah, I don't like hanging around her too much either...